Questions are a burden to others; Answers a prison for one's self

Here we see a man high on his own supply. Ari is reprising his role as the creepy true believer, and seems to be warming up to try to upstage the famous Karl Rove quote:

The aide said that guys like me were "in what we call the reality-based community," which he defined as people who "believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality." ... "That's not the way the world really works anymore," he continued. "We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality—judiciously, as you will—we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors…and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do."

Here come the bad old days.

It's interesting to see an educated opinion that dovetails with thoughts I try to avoid thinking when searching for a psychiatrist.


http://ww2.kqed.org/stateofhealth/2016/05/24/how-therapy-became-a-hobby-of-the-wealthy-rather-than-a-necessity-for-the-mentally-ill/

Sometime in the 80s the American right disappeared so far up its own ass no one born after that part could follow it. But lately it seems like all the boys who grew up liberal because there wasn't a sane way to do anything else have turned into an angry mass of tech libertarians busily building a new reactionary movement that they can be proud of--if they could feel anything but outrage that anyone would be anything but a strait white middle class IT worker, that is.

Anyway, this new internet drama seems to have found devotees even in my own favorite late night hangout, a place where were' all hermaphroditic improbably well endowed animal people. Not fertile ground for the old right, but this new one doesn't respect all the same boundaries. Presuming that things are going to become intolerable there I just don't know if I have the drive or even the know how to discover a replacement community.

CNN is airing a piece right now about alternate lifestyles in silicon valley. They're having quick interviews with people framing their drug use and nonmanogamous relationships like they are stock tips. The whole thing is pushing this hippy lifestyle as the secret to tech success. It kind of makes me want to tear my hair out because it all comes off as so hippeyer than thou, and the underclass just aren't open minded enough that must be why they aren't successful. like, if you aren't spending tens of thousands of dollars a year to sponsor an art installation at burning man how can you hope to be a member of the innovative fresh faced master race making their billions for doing some ill-defined computery stuff in or near San Francisco.

With an election coming up we're all sure to be exposed to repeated insistence that a person who works hard can make it anywhere in America, science continues to disagree.

Today I was supposed to leave with my parents on a road trip to San Diego to see my sister who lives there currently. It was to be my first trip out of my room for more than say 2 hours in ages. Ever since I became aware of the trip I've been feeling anxiety about it. I haven't got one night of uninterrupted sleep where I don't wake up thinking about it. I've felt like I've had a constant case of indigestion since it was announced.

The idea of a long car trip in the mercy of people who's judgement word and benevolence I reflexively can't trust, my parents, is almost torturous. They aren't horrible people or monstrous, they just aren't reliable in a way an extremely nervous person can count on, and at any moment their reaction to a request to pull over for a bathroom could turn hostile.

It wasn't me that got the trip canceled for the sibling cohort, however. My brother seemed to be taking the anxiety triggering car ride idea especially badly and at the very moment of our departure, just sitting in the old-people-hot temperature car seemed to set off a panic attack. My anxiety problems manifested before his in life, or at least they did in their current form. I actually rarely see him get worked up, and there was a long period in late high-school and early college I think when I was really unaware that he struggles in the same extreme way as me with it. I feel guilty whenever I see him get anxious like that, like its a contagion from me somehow.

One of the sticking points of the trip that I'm sure we've both been trying to ignore is the fact that we were scheduled to be sharing a room in my sister's place. I have recurring nightmares about my parents moving to a new house and forcing my brother and I to share a room like we did in our childhood. The idea of having no personal territory compounded with being a strange place is indeed torturous. Watching my brother have an anxiety attack over the trip I declared that I wasn't going, so if he could manage to get control of himself, he'd have no competition for this guest bedroom. I knew it was too little too late.

Citing her power to impose arbitrary rules on people who have precious little control over their lives as it is, my mother insisted that either both brothers are going on this trip or neither are. Now neither are and I hope my brother doesn't feel too awful about having a panic attack over something other people find easy to do, even while on xanex to try to control his anxiety over the situation.

Anyway the point is we're home alone over the weekend, so party at my parents place?

The top of my left foot, where I was stung by the scorpion several days ago, stopped hurting two days ago but is still completely numb. I cant feel heat or cold there, I cant feel any touch there. I hope the sensation returns, mostly because I hate to think I'm sharing my room with creatures that can give me permanent nerve damage.

I feel like revealing this to anyone would change nothing. I have so little power in my life to change anything about my environment, and if I reveal that I'm in this sort of peril, literally nothing will change.

My window blinds have been broken for months, so I've just sat in total darkness day and night. My brother's blinds have been broken for years and just left that way. Nothing to be done about it. There is nothing I can do about anything.