Oct. 2nd, 2014

ff00ff: (Dissaprove)
Today I was supposed to leave with my parents on a road trip to San Diego to see my sister who lives there currently. It was to be my first trip out of my room for more than say 2 hours in ages. Ever since I became aware of the trip I've been feeling anxiety about it. I haven't got one night of uninterrupted sleep where I don't wake up thinking about it. I've felt like I've had a constant case of indigestion since it was announced.

The idea of a long car trip in the mercy of people who's judgement word and benevolence I reflexively can't trust, my parents, is almost torturous. They aren't horrible people or monstrous, they just aren't reliable in a way an extremely nervous person can count on, and at any moment their reaction to a request to pull over for a bathroom could turn hostile.

It wasn't me that got the trip canceled for the sibling cohort, however. My brother seemed to be taking the anxiety triggering car ride idea especially badly and at the very moment of our departure, just sitting in the old-people-hot temperature car seemed to set off a panic attack. My anxiety problems manifested before his in life, or at least they did in their current form. I actually rarely see him get worked up, and there was a long period in late high-school and early college I think when I was really unaware that he struggles in the same extreme way as me with it. I feel guilty whenever I see him get anxious like that, like its a contagion from me somehow.

One of the sticking points of the trip that I'm sure we've both been trying to ignore is the fact that we were scheduled to be sharing a room in my sister's place. I have recurring nightmares about my parents moving to a new house and forcing my brother and I to share a room like we did in our childhood. The idea of having no personal territory compounded with being a strange place is indeed torturous. Watching my brother have an anxiety attack over the trip I declared that I wasn't going, so if he could manage to get control of himself, he'd have no competition for this guest bedroom. I knew it was too little too late.

Citing her power to impose arbitrary rules on people who have precious little control over their lives as it is, my mother insisted that either both brothers are going on this trip or neither are. Now neither are and I hope my brother doesn't feel too awful about having a panic attack over something other people find easy to do, even while on xanex to try to control his anxiety over the situation.

Anyway the point is we're home alone over the weekend, so party at my parents place?


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